Singaporean woman blindsided after BF says his romantic feelings have stayed at ‘40%’ since day one

SINGAPORE: A 25-year-old woman was left heartbroken after her boyfriend admitted that his romantic feelings for her had remained at around “40%” throughout their relationship.

Sharing her story on the r/askSg forum, the woman said the couple recently sat down for a long and emotional conversation about where their relationship was heading.

It was during this conversation that her boyfriend told her that, although he loves and cares deeply for her, his romantic feelings had been hovering at roughly 40% since the start of their relationship.

He said he had spent much of their time together trying to push those feelings higher, but could never quite work out why they would not grow.

“He says he doesn’t know why he can’t,” she continued.

“There are moments where it does move when we have a really happy day, go somewhere together, experience something exciting, etc. — but he describes those increases as “artificial” because he believes that if he truly loved someone enough, that feeling should be consistently strong rather than being affected by circumstances.”

The woman said this confession “completely blindsided her.” Before this conversation, she didn’t feel like she was in a loveless relationship, as her boyfriend always made an effort for her.

“He shows up for me, initiates affection, and spends his off days with me, and we are very comfortable together.” 

“He works shifts while I work a normal 9–5, so our schedules are difficult and we don’t get many conventional weekends/public holidays together. If you had asked me before all this what my biggest issue in the relationship was, I would have said our lack of time together—not that I felt unloved.”

He tried to break up because he felt guilty

The revelation eventually led her boyfriend to try to end the relationship.

According to the woman, he knew how deeply she loved him and felt awful that he could not return those feelings with the same intensity.

He was also worried about what might happen if they simply carried on as they were.

He feared that his feelings would never change and that, somewhere down the line, he might realise the relationship was not right for him and end up hurting her even more.

“He is scared that if he stays with me, nothing will change.”

“When we initially separated after the conversation, he told me part of him wanted to run back, hug me, and take the breakup back because losing me hurt much more than he expected.”

“But he also said he didn’t want to reverse the decision simply because breaking up hurt. He even said maybe one day we would somehow find our way back to each other and he would know it was meant to be, but that he didn’t want me waiting for that possibility.”

They gave their relationship another go

The woman said she struggled to come to terms with the breakup, particularly because they had never really sat down and tried to work through the issue together. So, they decided to have another conversation, this time with both of them willing to see whether there was still something worth fighting for.

For now, they have agreed to take some time to calm down and reset before effectively starting their relationship afresh. 

In a few weeks, they plan to go on at least 15 proper dates, try new places and activities, take turns planning outings, and have weekly check-ins to make sure they are communicating more openly.

“We’ll reassess around November,” she said.  “We also agreed that the goal shouldn’t be constantly asking whether his “40%” has become 50%, 60%, etc. I don’t want him analysing his feelings after every date, and I don’t want to spend the next few months auditioning to make somebody love me. I know there are two possibilities I need to accept.”

Seeking perspectives, she asked, “I would especially love to hear from people who have been on EITHER side of something like this: have you ever loved your partner but felt like something was missing even though you couldn’t explain what?”

“Did taking pressure off and intentionally reconnecting actually change anything?

Has anyone stayed in a relationship where one person clearly loved more intensely than the other and still had a healthy long-term relationship? Or, if you were the “40%” person, did you eventually realise that you were simply with someone you cared about deeply but weren’t truly in love with?”

“And for people who have gone through this: if you were me, would you give this genuine attempt a chance, or would the fact that he says he has felt this way since the beginning be the part you couldn’t get past?”

“You can do better, and you deserve better”

Most of the commenters were rather straightforward with the post author, telling her that there’s a good chance things might not get better the second time around.

One user shared her experience, writing, “I was in your situation before. We were together for 5 years, and he told me something similar, and I thought it was something for me to ‘fix.’ It didn’t take long for him to get together with someone else, and they got married 6 months later. He basically developed feelings for the other party, aka emotional cheating.”

Another Redditor questioned why the woman was even willing to give the relationship another chance, saying, “You are 25 years old… why settle for someone who has already so frankly admitted how limited his love is for you?’

A third agreed with this sentiment, saying, “At this young age, why would you be with someone who would not move heaven and earth for you? So young, so beautiful still, better ask this man to fly a kite then…. You can do better, and you deserve better!”

A fourth added, “Don't be together with someone who does not put you as a priority and you end up being a doormat. A thriving relationship is not 40%, 100% from the other; it is 100% and 100%.”

In other news, a Singaporean fresh graduate shared on Reddit that she feels “dejected” after failing her probation at her first full-time job, an outcome she never saw coming because she believed things had been going well.

In an anonymous post on the r/askSingapore forum, the woman shared, “I was let go from my first job after not passing my 3-month probation. To be honest, it came as quite a shock.”

Read more: ‘I feel lost and embarrassed’: Singaporean fresh grad opens up after failing probation